Returning to work after you’ve been at home with your baby can be hard on your emotional wellbeing. You’re probably sleep-deprived, you’re getting to grips with parenting a new human and now you’ve got the old work routine thrown into the mix.
This Mental Health Awareness Week, three parents share their back-to-work stories – plus a psychologist gives her tips on how to cope with the transition.
Shelley’s story: “My colleague gave me a big hug on my first day back – it put me at ease”
Shelley works as a cleaner. She and her husband have three children, Evelyn, six, Mason, three, and Henry, 10 months.
“I went back to work when Henry was five months old. It was tough. I suffer from anxiety anyway and I don’t cope well with a change in routine, so I felt terrified.
Before I went on maternity leave, my dad worked in the same building as me – in fact, he was my supervisor. But he retired while I was on leave so when I returned I had a new supervisor, there were a few other new faces and I was cleaning on a different floor.
But when I arrived on my first day back, one of my old colleagues came running over and gave me a big hug. It really helped put me at ease. I went from feeling really anxious to realising things aren't so bad. It’s easy to catastrophise about returning to work from maternity leave – you convince yourself that you won’t be able to do your job as well. But that’s not the case.
My working hours are 5-8pm every evening. My husband gets home from work just before 5pm, so as soon as he’s home I have to dash out the door. I give him a quick update on what needs doing – like taking over the kids’ dinner – and sometimes I’ll have to just leave him a voice note on my way to work as there isn’t even time for a chat when he arrives home.
While I feel sad that I miss out on the kids’ bath and bedtime routine, I get to do school runs and spend time with Henry during the day so I’m thankful for that. I’ve also learned to appreciate that my time at work is also time to be “me”. It gives me some breathing space where I can leave aside the demands of being a parent for a few hours. I’ve even been promoted to supervisor so that’s given me a new sense of confidence.”
Lucy’s story: “Having boundaries between work and family life isn’t easy – but I’m trying”
Lucy runs a virtual assistant business and she also blogs about mothers in business. She and her husband have two daughters, Lillie, seven, and Sophia, 18 months.
“I’d only set up my business nine months before I got pregnant with Sophia. So when I went on maternity leave I hired an associate to look after most of my client work, which meant I could take nine months of leave. I didn’t want to be straight back to my desk within weeks of giving birth, I wanted to enjoy those precious early months of Sophia’s life.
When I returned to work in July last year I felt excited but nervous, too. Like so many parents, my main thought was: how am I going to juggle everything?
Sophia goes to nursery two days a week and it’s an ongoing journey of trying to find the right balance. I really have to plan my time. On a Sunday evening, I sit down and write out my weekly schedule which covers everything from what I’ll make for the girls’ dinner to what I’m working on for my clients. And I’ll put in time slots for everything – obviously, it doesn’t always go to plan and I have to be flexible, but if I can see a written schedule it helps me to focus. And it lets me see when I can squeeze in some “me time”, even if it’s just sitting down for 10 minutes with a cup of tea.
I’d like to say that I make a point of not looking at work messages in the evenings, but it’s really hard not to! That said, I’m always upfront with clients about my core working hours so they know when I do and don’t work. If I see a message pop up and I know I can’t do anything about it at that moment, I try not to even open the message. Because if I read the message, it will be on my mind when I’m spending time with the girls.
All of these little strategies benefit my mental health. It’s about trying to plan work on your own terms.”
Adam’s story: “A big part of my sense of purpose comes from my job”
Adam is deputy manager at a care home for people with disabilities. He is married to Liz and they have two children, Melody, 6, and Leo, 2.
“When we had Leo in March 2021, I took six months’ paternity leave while Liz went back to work. She runs her own website design company – she's the main earner so it made financial sense for me to be the stay-at-home parent.
My employer was really supportive of the plan. I sat down with my bosses and we worked out how my role would be covered while I was away. So we decided to go for it. I loved my paternity leave – the baby years don’t last long and that time at home helped forge my bond not only with Leo but with Melody, as she hadn't yet started school.
Going back to work again felt like a huge change. I'd spent six months being the main carer, taking Leo to sing and sign classes, being parent-in-chief, basically. But I also looked forward to returning to my career. Being a parent is the biggest privilege in the world but a big part of my sense of purpose in life comes from my job. I've worked for the same care home for years and I needed to get that part of me back.
Leaving Leo for the first time in months was hard. Liz and I now juggle childcare between us. I work from 7am until 3pm – Liz looks after Leo in those hours and she works when I get home and I take over with the kids. It’s not easy but we make it work.”
4 tips for returning to work after parental leave
Chartered psychologist, Suzy Reading, has these pointers:
1. Be kind to yourself
“This time in life is a big shift and you need to alter your expectations of yourself. If you’re up half the night with your baby that’s going to have an impact on your energy levels at work,” says Suzy. “But also, know that it’s not going to be like this forever. So can you be gentle and compassionate with yourself while you’re in the thick of it?”
2. Focus on what you’re bringing back to your workplace as a new parent
“I would encourage anyone returning to work to do a skills audit, because parenthood hones a very valuable skillset. You bring all sorts of things to the table – you might be firmer in your boundaries, you might work more effectively, you’ve almost certainly found resilience you never knew you had. Yes, you might feel a bit rusty but that’s OK, allow yourself a period of grace,” says Suzy.
3. Lean on your support network
“If you’re worried about returning to work, talk to someone you trust, whether it’s your partner, a friend or family member. Our thoughts get really loud when we don’t vocalise them,” she says. “That person doesn’t need to come up with answers, they just need to listen and support you.”
4. Allow yourself to feel sad about leaving your baby
“Feel all your feelings. It does hurt. And remind yourself that there’s purpose in going to work. A lot of parents can feel guilty if they’re not doing hands-on parenting. But you’re providing for your family and there’s deep purpose to that,” says Suzy.
